The Acceptance Reversal
By: Amy Shepley
What is a “reversal” and how do you explain it? In Birkman, a “reversal” occurs when an individual’s Usual style (which can be seen by others) and his Stress behavior (unfortunately, also seen!) is the opposite of his underlying Need. This is where it can get difficult for him: because his displayed Usual and Stress behaviors are exactly the opposite, they continue to solicit and reinforce the wrong behavior from other people, and from the person’s environment. As a result, the person’s Needs are not as apparent to others, and they continue to not be met in many social situations. Thus the destructive cycle continues.
From a consultant’s perspective, this is the social answering pattern we call a “reversal”. I want to emphasize that this is not how I recommend you explain a reversal during your interpretation of a Birkman report. An expert in the Birkman office says she explains a reversal as “a surprise.” In other words, the person’s stress reaction is not what is expected by the outside world and might come as a shock. This disparity can lead to issues for both the individual and the individual’s environment.
The fix? Emphasize to the person the importance of being aware of his/her unique underlying Needs and communicating these needs to the rest of the world.
The Acceptance Reversal
Examples: U/N/S 38/68/25
1/99/25
27/68/25
While I don’t have an Acceptance Reversal myself, I have found through my conversations with those that do that their experience around this particular score can be quite painful and isolating.
Let’s see why this might be the case:
You will notice in the examples above that the Usual score in each of the examples above is lower than the individual’s Need. In other words, the person does not create a level of sociability in his/her Usual style to meet his/her own Need. A person with this pattern needs more sociability than his/her Usual Behavior suggests. People will perceive a low Acceptance Usual person as someone who likes to work alone and assume this person would prefer to be left alone. The tragedy in this case is the person’s higher underlying Need suggests she wants to be invited, included and accepted by the group. Thus we see a potentially painful cycle emerge.
Let’s take a closer look at this pattern. In the Acceptance reversal example, we have an individual who describes herself as a selectively sociable person who works well alone. In fact, she distinctly sees and describes herself as being less sociable than other people. How do I know this? Check out the examples above. In each case, the Usual score is lower than the Need. In other words, the person is identifying that she is less sociable than she perceives other people to be. In fact, we can even see to what extent the person sees herself as being less sociable. The first example (38/68/25) is a smaller gap. This individual may say something like “I am slightly less sociable than other people.” The last example (1/99/25) indicates a significant gap. This person is likely to say something like “I am significantly less sociable than most people.” [Again, when we refer to “most people” we are referring to this person’s perception of other people.]
So in the case of an Acceptance reversal, we have a person who is describing herself as a quiet, selectively sociable person. It would make sense then that when this person goes into stress, her tendency is to become a more exaggerated version of how she usually describes herself: more withdrawn, more detached and more impatient with people and groups in general.
But here is the surprise:
Her higher Need means she prefers for other people to be sociable, outgoing and communicative. She sees herself as the quiet one and expects others to be more friendly and outgoing. Sociable, outgoing people make her feel comfortable and bring her out of her introverted Usual style. She expects other people to be more friendly. In Birkman, when our expectations are met, we stay in our Usual Behavior. When our expectations are not met, we risk moving into that nasty Stress behavior. The challenge for those of us on the outside is that we see this quiet, selectively sociable person and immediately think we are doing this person a favor to just leave her alone. Unfortunately for her, our instincts couldn’t be more wrong. The more hands off we are with this person, the more she feels rejected and hurt. Under Stress, she may think something like, “these people are rude and cliquish.” Or, “they are purposefully excluding me because they don’t like me.” This, of course, is most likely not true. And yet that reality does little to temper the rejection felt by our person with the Acceptance reversal.
So, now that you understand what the score is telling you, the next important piece of information is, what do you as the coach tell this person? What’s the “so what”? How does this person move forward with more understanding and self-awareness?
The important takeaway is that people will not assume this person has a strong need to feel included and part of the group. In fact, people will assume the opposite is true. They will see a selectively sociable person. The person can manage this response by being upfront and forthright about her underlying Need. “You may not assume this about me but I actually really appreciate being included with the group. Perhaps next time you go to lunch, I could come along.” Now, I don’t downplay how difficult this will be for a Low Acceptance Usual person to say. But the reality is, if you don’t verbalize your underlying Need, people will think they are doing you a favor by leaving you alone.
Do you have a reversal on Acceptance? Have you had an “a-ha” with a client? I would love to hear you’re about your experiences. Jump over to LinkedIn and let’s continue our conversation on reversals.